Marriage rocks! Yes, it does! When everything is going great it does… Well, actually… at times you might feel like it rocks… and at other times… well… at other times you might feel like throwing rocks at your spouse. Every marriage has its ups and downs. For some, there are more ups, for others there are more downs, and for others there is a balance of both. Regardless, it would be unrealistic to believe that a marriage will stay in a constant state of bliss. But here’s the thing, it is those very same ups and downs that strengthen the relationship. Being able to sincerely get past those downs can create a deep bond that will make your relationship ROCK solid. 

You might ask yourself: What if we argue and disagree a lot? If we have disagreements, does it mean that my spouse and I have a bad relationship? The answer to the last question is: “no”.  Yes, there is hope! In fact, John Gottman, a prominent figure in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy and lead researcher, proposed a “balance theory on relationships”. That’s a fancy way of saying that he believes that conflict is part of a successful relationship.

Wait, what? Hold on! You might be thinking, “That can’t be right, a good marriage should not have conflict or disagreements.”

Yes, it can, and that’s perfectly okay. Popular belief is that conflict in a relationship means that the relationship is failing. In fact, what makes a successful lasting relationship is not whether they don’t have arguments, it is rather how they resolve conflict.  Gottman’s research indicates that successful marriages have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. As long as a couple has 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction, the couple can still have a stable relationship. (Needless to say, some things, like abuse, should never be tolerated in a relationship, not even within the 5 to 1 ratio).

APPLICATION:

• Conflict and negativity in a relationship do not necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed to failure.
• If you want to give what others call “constructive criticism,” make sure that you say 5 positive things per 1 negative thing that you say.
• Constantly work on adding happy positive moments to your relationship so that when negative moments come along, they will be outnumbered.